So its been an uphill battle some days. Other days I couldn’t ask for a better day. Sadly, it all depends on my husband’s mood. Today, I can say that my husband was in a good mood. Why? Well, first let me explain something. I hate roaches. Don’t care what someone calls them. Water bugs, cock roaches, whatever–they are all the same stinkin’ nasty things and sometimes they fly. I squeal when I have to kill them and I flinch when I have to clean the dead thing up. I have been known to hide them under the shoe I killed it with and I have also been known to bribe my kid with money to pick it up for me. Yes, yes, I know…mother of the year right here! Oh, lets not forget my puppy face and “Daddy, pleeeeease?!” tone–not ashamed to still call my dad, Daddy, after all, I’m a southern girl. And before I forget, yes, we are temporarily staying with my parents until we get a house. Joy joy and many stories I could tell you but for now, on with my current ramblings. So since I have already explained my uneasiness with roaches I have also come to learn that I am bigger than the roach and it won’t kill me to smash the thing. ::gags:: Still doesn’t change the fact that they freak me out.
Late last night I happened to be the only one up and b/c of all the rain we’ve gotten they tend to show up here or there from time to time. So when I saw one I got the nerve to kill it. I figured that when I killed the roach I could leave it and let my mom or dad clean it up since they just happened to get up before everyone for work. Hey! Before you say anything, I at least killed it without squealing…the kids were asleep so I had to keep a lid on the noise. Anyway, I guess my parents knew my game and I had to be the one to clean it up. I used a fly swatter to pick it up and before I knew it my husband is next to me. Ok, my husband has a warped sense of humor that I normally love. Just not today. As I bravely turn to walk to the trash holding the fly swatter with a still twitching nasty thing, my husband smacks the fly swatter sending the roach flying in the air, me throwing the fly swatter away and I take off running. Looking back, I see that probably wasn’t a good idea. Its like shooting an arrowing in the air and not knowing where it will land. He is laughing as I locate the fly swatter. As I bend down to pick it back up I see him throw something at me. It was a June Bug. Yep, I freaked out thinking he had thrown the roach at me…I don’t know why I thought my husband would pick it up with his hand–I lacked a bit of common sense during this bug duress I was under. I also can’t figure out where the June Bug came from. He starts laughing again as I throw down everything and run to the bathroom to shower. I can at least say that he got rid of the June bug and roach for me.
As disturbing as this scene is, I am grateful that I can sit here typing and laugh about it now. I was actually laughing at the time too but it was more of a “Are you freaking kidding me?” laugh. I love him. I love his warped sense of humor and I love that if anything my husband can be himself–no matter what–around me.
No matter the crap that gets thrown at us, or I should say bugs, I know we’ve got each other’s back. He did after all pick up the roach for me ;)
I had a conversation with God tonight. Kind of a one sided conversation really. Lately it feels like God is being silent. I know He is with me. I have no doubt that He hears every single word I say to him but He remains silent. I keep asking Him to help these feelings of mine go away. Some are not very nice thoughts I’d like to shed. Some are of the way I have been thinking lately but mostly, I asked Him to let me feel Him again. Then, it occurred to me. There are several reasons God might be silent. Mostly I think its because I have neglected to open my bible and read His word. Its hard to do that when life gets in the way and I start feeling defeated. I’m tired of looking for a church (again)! I want to connect with people. I want to find a place we can all worship and dive into the word and soak it up. I crave that. I want that so much. I am feeling discouraged because of this. I’m feeling lost without somewhere to go. I don’t go to church to socialize like some country club but I tell you the truth, its nice to have friends who share the same beliefs and can get together every Monday for coffee and talk about anything and everything. I miss Wednesday morning bible studies. Sometimes I wonder if I can’t find a church because I can’t let my other one go.
Did you know that dead daisies stink to high heavens? I was throwing away my flowers from Mother’s Day tonight and the stench was awful. Those beautiful white daisies (my favorite) were once bright and stood tall. At first I kept them trimmed and changed the water often and sprinkled some of that flower food in the vase. But, after a while I just got lazy and let them die. They sat on the table dead for several days. Gross, right? I feel like those dead daisies without the word of God to live by. The flowers needed food, a little trimming of the stem and fresh water to live. My heart and soul need that food, the spirit of Christ to keep surviving. I’m not great with analogies but that pretty much summed up how I feet at the moment.
So, tonight after I prayed and God was silent once again and then I threw out the flowers it hit me. STOP BEING SO DANG LAZY! Open up the bible, make no excuses and MAKE TIME FOR GOD! I read a few scriptures and again it felt like I just wasn’t connecting to Him like I always have in the past. Makes me feel like Job and just like Job, I am going to chose to keep believing that God hears me, sees me, and is still carrying me when I can’t walk. Maybe God is being silent to make me come to Him. Make me reevaluate what I have been doing to not feel His spirit so intimately. Maybe, I have focused so much on the world that I am forgetting that those things don’t matter in the end. My walk with Him is important and I’ve been letting that slip the more I feel discouraged. Everything that happens to me, God has had a hand in it. Everything good comes from God but sometimes He allows things to happen in order for our eyes to focus back on Him.
Sometimes, we need to be broken.
Sometimes I wonder if I say the wrong things to my children. Is it wrong to tell your five year old that she should be ashamed of herself for her actions? I didn’t say I was ashamed of her but that SHE should be. Is that something that shouldn’t be said, like the equivalent of telling her she is stupid? Which she is not. I try so hard to rear them in the right direction that I often feel like a failure. Or that I am too hard on them. If you see my children in public they are not usually the ones screaming or demanding anything. They listen (mostly), they don’t make a scene and even at home they are really good (mostly :) ). They fight of course, they get too loud, they whine but truthfully God has blessed me with wonderful kids. They are so independent and smart that I wonder if I make them do too much and have taken some of their childhood away. My five and six year olds can do the dishes. They know how to work the dryer (only when I am with them) and my three year old likes to push the buttons on the microwave and helps pick up dog poop in the backyard using the scooper. I make them clean their room, take their dirty dishes to the sink (even the three year old), pick up their toys and before we moved the older two were in charge of cleaning their bathroom while I oversaw it. I want them to know what it means to work for their stuff. I want them to feel accomplishment and pride in the things they do. I was talking with my aunt today and as soon as the words, “We haven’t had to spank them in a really really long time” came out of my mouth I’m having to swat my three year olds butt for something she did who knew she shouldn’t have. Just goes to show me to keep my mouth shut–HA!
Truthfully, I know my kids have had to grow up faster than most. Most military kids do. Today, my kids help their Granddad put out the yard flags. They knew what today was about. They also know, but may not fully understand how close their daddy was to being one, that today is a day of remembrance of the fallen. I know that today was a bit hard on my husband and I wish there was more I could do for him. So since this post just took a turn I’d rather not think about again today, I think I’ll stop.
God Bless those who lost someone special and God have mercy on those who have fallen. And God, please let me be the woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend that You want me to be. I can’t do this on my own because if I do, then I really will fail. Amen.
It breaks my heart to hear (everyday) that a veteran has lost their fight to PTSD. I’m in mourning for someone I don’t even know but because it hits so close to home I can feel his family’s pain. I can’t thank God enough for saving my husband. I know the fight is hard and long but I stay with him and help him fight it every day and I am not going anywhere. In my husband’s medical records it shows/proves that having family with him, supporting him, understanding has helped him cope. I know he isn’t the same person I married but every single day, little by little I can see a change in him that brings back the old Patrick I knew. Even though his mind wonders, his words stumble and his body is broken he is still the man I love with all my heart. I am so very lucky to be able to stand next to him as he introduces me as his wife. I am proud of the man he was and the man he has become. I wish society could understand, could learn about PTSD. Not judge or jump to conclusions because he doesn’t attend family gatherings or go to church. People, large crowds make him anxious and paranoid. I wish we could drive down the road without him becoming paranoid someone is going to kill us. What we think is trash on the roadside he assumes is an IED. And to the man who almost caused us a wreck with our kids in the car, next time you jump out of your car because someone honks at you for acknowledging you did something wrong, don’t provoke him to fight. He won’t stop. In his mind you have threatened his life, his family’s life and if you lay a hand on him he will not stop until you stop moving. His mind doesn’t work like yours and its not fair for you to be so ignorant. You sir, are lucky that my husband’s mind stopped working. When you were throwing your words and hands in his face because you did something wrong that he forgot what he was doing and walked away. Your ignorance could have gotten a whole lot of people hurt.
I apologize for this rant but lately the ignorance of people we encounter daily has just gotten to me. I don’t like seeing my husband feeling lost or hurt. Being out in the civilian world these past two months have really taken a toll on all of us. There is a lot I don’t know but I do know that God has us here for a reason. Medically separating from the military became a blessing after his injury but learning how to conduct ourselves outside of the military life is hard. Its a daily struggle that I wish we didn’t have to do but for one reason or another, we are here and trying to make the best of it. God has opened up doors for us and for that I am thankful. There’s not a day that goes by that I wish I could fix my husband’s problems, his pain but I also know that he can help others work through their issues because he understands them.
Sometimes I wish it was easier but I just have to remember that when I can’t stand anymore, God carries me.
Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I grabbed the stash of cash I hid in my bedroom for some reason. I didn’t think I’d be using it but hey, I had a feeling I needed to take it. With my middle child in tow and the other two at home with daddy, we headed for the our shopping extravaganza. In reality I hate shopping but my kids are growing out of their clothes at an alarming rate. In the store parking lot, walking back to the van I put the clothes we just bought in the back when this woman rushes up to me and gives me a sob story. It goes something like this, “Excuse me ma’am I’m so sorry to bother you but I need some money. Everyone carries plastic and I need to get home. I’m so tired. So very tired and I live in ____.” Its about 30 mins away. “I just need some bus fair to get back home and I’m so tired of walking….” She went on and on. First off, I pulled my daughter closer to me then looked around at my surroundings, its a busy parking lot and its daylight–I’m good. I saw another lady, about my age I guessed, sitting on the curb like she was exhausted and lacked faith in the goodness of people. Let me say this, I don’t like people walking up to me and asking for money especially when my child(ren) are with me. Its happened before and I haven’t felt comfortable about it so I’ve walked off. Once a lady asked me for money so she could eat. I didn’t feel that she was telling me the truth so I gave her an unopened bottle of water a snack I’d just bought. But I also want to say that the feeling I’m getting from this woman wasn’t danger or deceitfulness, she just made me very anxious. I wanted to say no. I wanted to lie to her and keep that wad of cash that I put in my pocket for me. It was mine, not hers. But I couldn’t. It was as if the more I wanted to say no to her the thought of keeping that money to myself made me feel ashamed of being so selfish. I felt like if I said no to her and walked away she would know I was lying. I felt transparent. This was my reply to her, “I don’t usually give random people money but–here.” I handed her the money and she started to thank me but I interrupted her replying, “This money isn’t from me, its from Jesus.” Then I walked away to the shoe store with my daughter clutching my hand not understanding what she saw. Before we took two steps my five year old who had been watching the whole thing play out said, “Mommy she disappeared.” I looked around and both women were gone. No where in sight. How does someone disappear so quickly? We talked about it later and I told my daughter that usually I wouldn’t talk to strangers and give them money because its not safe. But sometimes you need to do something that you normally wouldn’t when you know its coming from God. There was a reason I took the money with me knowing I wouldn’t need it. God knew those ladies would need it. Later when I drove home I was upset, jittery, and kept thinking about the two women. The anxiousness I felt wasn’t about me giving away money or being around the woman, it was FOR her. I don’t know what she used the money for or if it was all a scam. Honestly, the possibility of that is very high but I felt that this one time…whatever the reason she asked for the money, I gave it to her. I spread the love of Jesus by a simple act. I’ve been asking God lately to use me, use me for His purpose. I don’t have any idea why I’m on this earth but while I’m here I want people to look at me and see Jesus. I called my friend and she reminded me of something that I hadn’t thought about.
“Keep on loving each other as brothers. Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.” Hebrews 13: 1-2
I’m not saying they were angels but I showed them the love that Jesus asks of us and in doing so, I reminded them where it came from. Not me, but from Jesus.
“If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.” 1 John 3:17-18
Very happy right now. I decided on Sunday that we finally found a church for the remaining time we’ll be here in San Antonio and today the husband got his % back for his medical retirement and we are very pleased with them. God has blessed us so much and in so many different ways. Its only a few weeks away for us to move back to our hometown and find jobs and a place to live. We will be buying our very first house! Over our nine years of marriage (I totally just had to count on my fingers to make sure its been that long) we have lived in numerous apartments and post housing but now…a place to really call our own! Walls I can PAINT ANY COLOR I WANT! Put up shelves, do ANYTHING my heart desires!! Its a great feeling and I’m sure it will be even better once we find a place lol.
Now, for my funny story of the day. Had she not been naked I would have taken a photo……
From the front room I hear in Khloe’s three year old voice, “Mommy! Moommmeeeeeee I need help (add in her Texas twang), Mommmmeeeeee! (a little bit of a crying) MOOOOOOMMMMMMEEEEEEEEE! (lots of crying) I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!” I run in there and she is standing butt naked and has somehow twisted the shower curtain as tight as possible with every bit of her hair caught in it. She’s crying and I’m laughing while trying to untangle her. Yep, that’s my Khloe. The really funny part, her big sister was just staring at her like, “Huh, I bet that hurts real bad.”
Its been a super busy day and now that supper has been eaten, baths have been taken, teeth brushed, all three kids are now in bed. Now I just need them to stop talking to each other and flashing their flash lights (they don’t like the dark) at each other’s doors. Its been a while that I’ve gone to bed this content. Its amazing how much weight has been lifted just knowing that the % is back and the signatures have started. Life feels good right now and God has provided more than enough.