My best friend got married today. Jamie and I have been friends since third grade–that’s 21 years. We made it through so much. Separate high schools, miles and states apart. She went to college and I got married and had kids and the military lifestyle took over. But through all that today I was her matron of honor–something I’ve always hoped I would be. I was there to help her pick out her wedding dress, there for every fitting and wouldn’t have had it any other way. But with every step of her wedding plans my insecurity started to make its way inside my head, make me doubt things. My entire life Jamie has been the pretty one, the curvy one, the girl that guys notice. Me? Well, its amazing how something so long ago can make me cringe thinking about it now. I was the ugly, fat friend. The tough one. The sporty one. I was never thought as beautiful. I thought I’d let that feeling go a long time ago. That feeling of being invisible or unworthy. Not up to par. I’m comfortable wearing basketball shorts, not wearing makeup. I am so comfortable with who I am (minus my weight) that I like how I look without makeup. <sigh>……Nope, still have that unworthy feeling when I’m next to her. How insane is it for me to feel so crappy on such a great day? All I wanted for myself was to look pretty. Feel pretty, standing next to one of the most important people in my life and I shuttered looking at the pictures on my camera. I can’t get past how nasty I look. How overweight I am. For all the wishing and wanting to look good, it wouldn’t have mattered. Here I was sweating through my t-shirt and shorts as I set up all the chairs and tables. I loved helping her mom and sister get things together for the wedding but dang if I wished I was with Jamie staying cool and calm getting her makeup professionally done in the next room. Her hair was amazing and mine was thrown together by two clips after trying to dry the sweat from my hair with a flat iron, which I got distracted from and burned the skin off my forehead 15 minutes before the wedding. Ever had to put makeup over a fresh burn wound? It hurts. So here I felt like a mess. I looked a mess. I just wanted to be as pretty as my friend and that didn’t happen. Doesn’t help that after I got home and collapsed on the bed that my husband says, “When are you gonna wash that crap off your face?” Ha! Yep, he HATES when I wear makeup so that was icing on the cake. Of course my woman brain is thinking he could have said, “You look nice.” Just one more punch to the gut I guess. Well you know what? This is where I get over myself, wash my face, put on my yoga pants and wrap my hair in a pony tail just thankful I’m out of those shoes and into my camo crocs. Imagine how much better I felt. Still doesn’t keep me from cringing at the wedding photos that I can only hope turned out better by the professional photographer.
So what is the point to my whiney rant on how crappy I felt and how completely 100% selfish I sound about my best friends wedding? Honestly, it didn’t hit me until about an hour ago when I was reading my bible and decided that even though I kept all these thoughts in my head, put on a (genuine) smile for the wedding that God knew exactly what I was thinking. He knew that I was judging myself and comparing what I look like to her. I also know He didn’t like it. There are two things that I am trying to remember. 1. That God loves me. He loves me the way I am because I am perfect in His imagine. He created me. 2. No matter what I may be feeling on the inside, someone else could be seeing something different. If I continue to show God’s love through my actions and words then that will shine brighter than the zit that was so perfectly place on my face for the wedding. Word of advice…don’t ever do a face mask three days before an important occasion.
So I am sucking it up. I will never be what society thinks is beautiful but at least I know that God thinks that I am. Besides, isn’t He the only opinion of me that matters? FOR I AM DEARLY LOVED! AND SO ARE YOU!
“There fore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3: 12-14