I’m learning there is more than one type of anger. More than one type of pain. This pain is soul shattering. Not being able to catch my breath kind of pain. The pain is too much. Closing the door to my room or closet makes me feel like I’m suffocating. This pain, when it becomes too much, everything inside of me becomes numb. In time the numbness eases and tears leak from my eyes searching for escape…just an ounce of peace. My breath becomes shallow again. It’s too much. Then the anger comes on. The anger that makes me want to punch him in the face; causing more anger at myself for feeling this way. The anger that makes me play the blame game in my head–mostly blaming myself. The pain that morphs into sorrow and despair for not being good enough. Not enough. Two words that can hurt a person–who has given you everything within them– causes more damage than any other words. The crying. Too much crying drys my eyes like empty wells, yet the pain still lingers. It’s like dry heaves and it stings but there’s nothing to stop it from happening. The crying that is so heart wrenching to hear and even harder to feel. I need to pray but I think I’m too numb for it right now. I needed to write, scribble my thoughts. Mourn without feeling guilty. Guilt for needing to be angry because the sadness is too much. Guilt for wanting to be happy even if it’s not with him. I want him. I choose to love him even without his in return. I feel like a fool for doing so but isn’t that the kind of love Jesus has for us? He loves us no matter what. I want to be okay. In time I will. In time life won’t be so painful. In time I could choose to love differently. In time it could be him wanting to love me back. My thoughts are just that…thoughts. A jumbled mess and all, just cycling repeatedly in my head. In time I won’t feel so pathetic. In time I will be okay. My God is bigger than all this mess. The storm is not permanent. This season is just that–a season. Faith hope love. (1 Corinthians 13:13) I have to believe in this or I won’t make it.
Marriage isn’t some piece of paper, a contract that you can choose to end when things are tough. Divorce isn’t an escape clause because you don’t know how to cope. Marriage is supposed to be a promise made before God and to each other to stay with them, help them, support them, cheer them on and just love them when they can’t love themselves. When I made my vows I meant literally until death. I meant for better or worse and sickness and in health. I gave you my body and my heart, something that has only ever belonged to you. I was there for you when you came home different. I was there when you made mistake after mistake–we made them together. I was there to make sure you were okay. I tried to get you counseling. I tried to love you the best way I knew how. I was wrong when I didn’t try harder but just let you be. I was wrong when I got lonely and depressed and stopped being the wife I should’ve been by ignoring the little needs, like the shower curtain rings. I should have kept the house cleaner and dishes out of the sink. But I didn’t do any of those things. The more you pulled back, the harder it was for me to focus my eyes on your needs, instead of mine. I was selfish. You were selfish. I was wrong. You were wrong. My heart is broken. I’ve never felt pain this bad but I am still here now, after you chose to leave. After you chose to tell me it was my fault that you are miserable, only after I begged you to talk to me. I’m here now, as you confess that you’re so messed up inside you can’t be happy with me anymore. I’m here making sure the kids are healthy and safe while you work all day and night to distract yourself from the pain deep inside you. While you sleep somewhere other than here, where you belong, I’m praying. Our son cries at night when he thinks no one can hear him, but I do. I lay with him unit he stops but I hear him tossing and turning all night. Our daughters cry, one from anger the other from sadness. They don’t understand why you’re gone, what they did wrong–all they know is that they miss their daddy. They are our kids who see their daddy as their protector and defender. The man who chases them around the house and plays tricks on them to make them laugh. I’ve told them repeatedly its not them, Daddy just needs to get better. We pray for you throughout the day and even though you don’t care about this marriage any more, the four of us do. I will never stop telling you ‘I love you’ and I will not speak ill of you because when you chose to come back I want our kids to know you love them. This gold band I wear on my left finger is a reminder–to you and me–of my love for you. I choose to love you through all of this. I choose to not give up just because you did. I believe God has a plan whether I understand it or not. I will show our kids what strength from the LORD looks like. I don’t care how long this takes, divorce or not, you are my husband in my heart and I am fighting for this marriage because I believe in us. I believe in what God has planned–beauty from these ashes. I will be BRAVE. I will WAIT. I will PRAISE His name. #thelovedare
I put this on my fb status. I don’t usually do this kind of thing on there but I got sick and tired of people being so mean to each other online. Its not ok. I got fed up and decided to speak my mind and I got a lot of feedback from it. Thought I’d share with y’all.
“I am a Christian. As a Christian I refuse to back down on my beliefs because the world says I’m wrong. I stand by the word of God and His truth, love and grace. I mess up, I sin, but I’m washed by the blood of Jesus. Some call themselves Christians and aren’t or have completely let hate fill their heart and forgotten what it means to walk with Jesus. Don’t let those fools make you think all of us are hypocrites. I don’t agree with most things happening right now and if asked will gladly give my opinion but by responding in a loving manner can make a difference. What kind of Christian would I be if I backed down on the word of God because it’s controversial and not mainstream thinking? This isn’t to anyone in particular but I’m just sick of seeing comments (both sides) being hateful to each other in articles I read. If someone claims to be a Christian and chooses to respond negatively to ppl how in the world do they expect anyone to see Jesus in them? Stop being hateful. Words hurt and words can also heal. I don’t have to accept the world’s thinking but I’m not going to respond by being mean and rude….even when sometimes it’s the first response in my head. That’s when I stop and think about what my actions will do. How am I representing God? And when I fail…because sometimes I do get a case of word vomit, I try and fix it. It’s not easy but no one ever said it would be but the reward of heaven is worth it all.”
Happy Easter Y’all!
So this was my morning at church….
My middle child, Kate, was baptized this morning as a public profession of faith in Jesus Christ. What a remarkable way to start off our Easter Sunday. I’m so proud of her for opening her heart and giving her life to Christ.
Kate looked at me and said, “mommy there is a lot of people today.”
Why does it have to be a special occasion for someone to come to church? Before anyone gets irritated at me let me just say this, get it off my chest and then you can make comments….
I know people work and sometimes they can’t help but miss church. I also know that people make up a church not a building so it doesn’t always have to be a Sunday worship. I know there are those who sit in front of their t.v. and watch it or listen to it on the radio. I’d also like to point out that the majority of people who don’t attend church choose not to because and I quote, “I have better things to do.” or, “I’m just so tired, I need my sleep.” There are a lot of different reasons for someone to not go to church. My point that I’m trying to make is that a lot of people that only come to church on holidays also act like they are the best Christians in the world. I know that I am a Christian. I would also like to make it very clear that I don’t believe I am better than anyone else and that I do, in fact, sin. Every day. I would also like to say that I try on a daily basis to live like Christ, to have holiness dwell within me. I fail at that….a lot. The point is, I try. I’m genuinely wanting and trying to be the person God has called me to be. That is why it ruffles my feathers that there are those people who will curse all over Facebook Saturday night and post pictures of themselves doing unGodly things, or just acting like an idiot and less than 24 hours later praising the Lord. Don’t get me wrong, I would love for them to praise God, to know Him and to have a relationship with Him but can’t they do it all the other days of the year too? To be perfectly honest I got a text today and it freaked me out. My husband said it as well when he received the same message. Why? Because that person who sent it might have meant well but do they even really mean it? How can someone pretend to be a Christian when their heart and actions don’t match their every day life? I’m not condemning this person–at least that is not my intention so I hope it doesn’t seem like it. I love this person. I pray for this person and hope that she truly starts to feel in her heart the words she says (on special occasions). See…back to the special occasion part. Can you sense bitterness in my words? I think there might be some there, something that shouldn’t dwell within me but it does. Its something that I’ve been working on, praying about. –I think I’m straying from the topic but it becoming clear as I write this that this post is going in a different direction than planned.– If you are going to call yourself a Christian then please PLEASE act like it. Your thoughts become your actions and your actions become your character. What’s character? Its how you act when no one is watching. Sometimes you’ll fail but always get back up again and try. His grace is what covers us. I’m a sinner but by His grace I’m saved. I know its easy to be lead by the flesh but if you live in the spirit it becomes easier to ignore the worldly ways. We as society have become desensitized to the things around us so we are able to make excuses and think we’re right. Set your mind on the Lord, study His word, make time to worship Him. Its been said that it takes 30 days to create or break a habit. Set your mind on God and make it a habit to think like Christ and it will become second nature. Your heart will change for those around you. I can feel God working on me. I’ve had some difficulty with certain people and its starting to harden my heart. That is not what I want. I’ve prayed that God would change my heart, let me love those who have wronged me. I want the bitterness to disappear and I want to love those who don’t love me back. Recently I’ve been dealing with these emotions and I can say that if I didn’t strive to be holy then this feeling of bitterness, anger, almost hate would take over my life. I wouldn’t be the person God needs me to be and I certainly wouldn’t be a good example for my kids. People watch me whether I know it or not. They see how I react to situations and they see what’s in my heart through my words. I don’t ever want to be a hateful person and I certainly don’t want for unbelievers to think that a Christian acts like a complete dirt bag. Why on earth would that kind of attitude bring them to Christ? I want to be the kind of person that someone can be around me for 10 minutes and know that my heart belongs to Jesus. I don’t mean that I’m shoving my faith down someone’s throat but I do think that if you are kind, loving, caring and aren’t fake then people won’t be surprised who lives within me. My actions speak volumes. The words that come out of my mouth show my character. I want to please God. I want to know that I’ve done everything in this life to make God look good.
I’m sorry this post was all over the place. Once I start typing all my thoughts come quicker than I can type. I want so much for those unbelievers to know Christ. I want them to feel the joy and peace that He brings. I want with all my heart for those haven’t felt the purist of love to find it. Jesus is the ultimate love story. He didn’t have to die on that cross but He did it.
Just a few verses that I think pertain to what I said.
“Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.” Romans 8:8 (For more start at v1 and read to v8)
“FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE, AS I FOLLOW THE EXAMPLE OF CHIRST.” 1 Corinthians 11:1
“God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his son, purifies us from all sin.” 1 John 5-7
Jesus answered, “I am the way the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except throughout me.” John 14:6
So Sunday February 22, 2015 my baby girl (one of them) accepted Christ as her Lord and Savior. I couldn’t be more proud of her for making that commitment and on her own. Memories I have become clouded sometimes but that day will always be one of the happiest of my life. There are a lot of choices she has to make in her life but that one is by far the most important. Can’t wait to see her baptized.
On a side note, as happy as this makes me I know it will only become harder for her as she grows into a young lady and grows in her faith. I know the challenges she is going to face and I pray that she will learn to stand by her faith. Learn to lean on God and remember to put on her full armor every day she wakes up. People will try to tear her down; I pray she becomes someone to build people up. They might try and change her mind; I pray that she learns the truth from scripture, God’s word. Whether she wants to be Tinkerbelle when she grows up or a teacher (most recent choice) I pray that she chooses wisely and follow what God wants her to do. When she makes mistakes and she will, I pray that she never forgets the love and grace and forgiveness that comes from the Lord.
To my baby girl, Kate, I love you and maybe one day you will read this but even if you don’t I promise to be a good example on how to be a mother, a Christian, a sister, a wife and a friend. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you aren’t good enough. God doesn’t make mistakes and He made you perfect in His eyes. I love you sweet girl.
Its amusing to me that when my husband walks up to me after seven pm and gives me a sweet kiss on the lips and says, “happy valentines day, sorry I forgot what day it was.” Doesn’t bother me one bit especially when the rest of the conversation goes like this, “That’s ok, I’d rather you forget and treat me like this every day than just once a year.” and he responds with, “Yes I should.” That’s love. I am thankful for a husband who stands beside me through everything. Makes me laugh daily and even when he forgets what day it is, never forgets to give me a kiss just because he wants to.
I spent the day with one of my best friends and her family that we haven’t seen in a year. We laughed, talked about anything and everything and celebrated her youngest son’s birthday and spent the majority of the day at the park. The weather was amazing today and I couldn’t have asked for the day to have gone any other way. What better way to spend Valentines Day than to be with those you love. God is great.
so loVed the world
thAt He gave His
believes In Him
shall Not perish
but have Eternal life
Happy Valentine’s Day. Don’t be sad if you don’t have a valentine….Jesus is the ultimate valentine.
Its the little things. No one wakes up thinking, “Hey, I’m going to…<insert sin>” and then does it. No, it takes many many little things every day, weeks, months that add up to cause someone to make a huge mistake. Pay attention to the things you do every day. Every choice you make does change the course of other people’s lives/relationships.
With that said, it goes both ways. Start off choosing to do something good for someone. Don’t do it for selfish reasons because you want to feel good, do it for the glory of God. Don’t think about failing. Just listen to God and know that if He is leading you or putting something on your heart–HE WILL PROVIDE. Moses didn’t speak well, look what he accomplished by listening to God. There will always be a victory when doing the work for God. Faith and good deeds.