Adulting is hard

25 Dec

I’m supposed to be putting out the presents and filling the stockings but I can’t bring myself to do it.  I spent my whole day working.  I was so off and my mind was all over the place.  I failed miserably at work to be the kind of person they have come to expect and even my poor boss was stressing out because I couldn’t do my job competently.  My mind was on the fact that my kids were at their dad’s house with his girlfriend and her family.  I made it through my shifts and spent the night at church and now I’m sitting on the couch writing this, crying.  I can’t look back on what ifs or think about that normally my husband would be here waiting for me to finish the Christmas eve stuff so we could go to bed.  I can’t for the life of me figure out why I’m so sad.  Why I feel so alone when I know God is with me.  I’m so sick and tired of being lonely.  I’m so sick and tired of working until I’m physically and mentally exhausted.  Its officially Christmas day and I’m not ready.  I’m having a hard time believing that this year is almost over and that Sunday I’ll be another year older.  I met his girlfriend today which I was not prepared for.  I’m having a hard time understanding why he is with her.  Its not Christian of me but not so great thoughts ran through my head today.  I cringed when she said my name and I caught myself staring disgusted at her and her family as they gathered up the gifts for my kids.  I hate that I’m so transparent and that its hard for me to be nice to her.  They act like they’re married and our divorce isn’t even final yet.  I cried on the way home and I cried when I put their new gifts in the closet.  I’m tired of crying.  What I’d like is a hug.  In church I sat next to my dad and all I wanted to do was lay my head on his shoulder.  Sometimes I miss being a little girl again.  My daddy took care of me.  He painted my nails, curled my hair and took me fishing and hunting.  I miss the simpleness of life.  I’m tired of adulting.  When does life get easy again?  I guess I should put on my big girl panties and suck it up.  Someone told me today its not about how hard you get knocked down but if you can get back up.  I’m up.  I’m moving forward but its hard.  I’m trusting that God will take care of me.  He’s proven himself (even thought he doesn’t have to) that He is bigger than any of my problems.  I’ve been so blessed the past few months.  I’ll write about the amazing blessings later, I’m still having a difficult time processing it all.  Right now, I’m just trying to get up the courage to do Christmas for my kids in the morning.

Merry Christmas everyone.

One single mom and a dead turtle

18 Nov

I’m learning what it really means to be a single parent.  The entire time I’ve been a mom its kind of felt like I’ve been doing it all on my own….until I actually was.  I’ve also come to realize tonight at about 8:30 p.m. that we are not meant to be pet owners.  I was unaware when I woke up this morning that not only would I feel like taking my dog, Bear, to the pound (only empty threats I promise) for eating not one, but both of my work shoes through to the toe while we slept last night that I would also have to hold my son while he cried because his turtle Michael died.  I knew it was going to happen.  I’m telling y’all, mother’s intuition is real people.  It kept burying itself and over the last week I’ve checked it every day thinking I would find it dead.  Tonight I did.  I spent over an hour in the bathroom cleaning out the tank, rocks and making sure the dog (we like to call him turd) didn’t knock over the tank or kill the lone survivor, Bob.  My son, is already planning Michael’s funeral for tomorrow in the backyard.  On top of this, a few months back we had a fish fiasco when Kate’s fish was crushed by its castle and the next day we bought a new tank and everything, including 4 new fish.  Two days later I was back at the pet store buying a lid for the fish tank and replacing Joey, the fish who decided to jump out of the tank the same day we got him.  This is why we don’t need pets.  Khloe, the 4 year old is determined to get a seahorse.  Fat chance that’s happening.  That takes it all to  a whole new difficulty level and with my luck I’d have to replace the seahorse within the first week.  No thanks.

However, I’ve learned something since August.  I’ve learned that I can’t do it all.  Those moms who look like they have it altogether are probably the ones who are shooting back a shot of whiskey when no one is looking at 10 am because their kids are driving them insane (no judgment).  No mom has all the answers.  No mom is perfect.  No mom ever feels like they’re amazing and wonderful all the time.  Let me tell you something.  Moms are amazing but we make mistakes.  Some of us are sloppy and don’t always get the house clean.  Some of us forget to sign off on field trip papers and have to drive up to the school to deliver the lunch they didn’t have time to make because they either passed out on the couch the night before from exhaustion or were up so late doing laundry that they can’t get done during the day because they’re working two jobs and overslept that morning.  Some of us spend hours helping with homework while cooking supper and making sure the kids get in bed on time just to sit down and realize afterward they forgot to buy milk for breakfast in the morning.  Some of us cry when no one is looking because its hard to leave the kids with someone else.  Some of us feel like we are failing even when we’re not.  All these things are true for me.

Tonight while I held Alex as he cried I got to be his rock.  I miss a lot of things some days because of work but tonight I got to be there for him.  I hate that his turtle died but I wouldn’t ask for a better chance to show my kid how much I love him.  There is something special about being a single mom and that is the close connection I share with my kids.  I won’t lie, its so hard on all of us right now but we’re managing and with God’s help.  As I sit here typing this I’m looking around at the clothes I left to be folded, the dishes in the dishwasher that just finished and the floor that needs to be vacuumed.  I started cleaning the hall closet tonight and stopped right before I finished because of Michael’s passing.  I still have to clean the bathroom after cleaning out that tank but I needed to sit for a minute.  I needed to let everything just stop for a bit so the kids could settle down and fall asleep.  I’ve learned that its ok to sit sometimes and do nothing, if only for a few minutes :) .  I still have so much to learn about this single mother thing but I’ll do it with a smile (or at least fake it lol) and work my hardest for these three awesome kids who test my patience daily but love more than anything in this world.

Long road ahead

26 Oct

There is a long road ahead for me and these precious kids of mine.  Who would have known that everything we’ve counted on and were promised was all just a lie?  As I call him out on his lies and infidelity it amazes me that its still a blame game and I’m the cause and there is no accountability to be had on his part.  It amazes me that I’m the one who was faithful and still so, yet he is the one living a double life.  I prayed for the lies to come out and boy I wasn’t prepared for the truth.  Truly, I’m struggling to hold it together.  I’ve gone from not working and being a stay at home mom most of my marriage to working two jobs to make ends meet while he lives an immoral life and dragging our kids into it (and still trying to lie).  Where does the line get drawn?  When will he finally see what he’s done?  I’m hurt and my mind is constantly focused on him and his wrong doings and as hard as I try I can’t keep it out of my head.  I pray that God takes it from me because I am not equipped to handle this.  I love unconditionally, loyal to a fault and stupidly still love him.  I love our kids but there have been days (I admit shamefully) where I don’t remember what we’ve talked about because I’m too focused on myself and what has happened to my marriage.  Its better now that I’ve realized that my kids have suffered from my lack of attention.  They’re healthy and they get fed and cleaned, etc but those days we had were very selfishly focused on me while they were in the background while I talked with friends about my feelings, woe woe pitiful me.  I say this with a heavy heart because I’ve never felt pain like this before.  Its easy to push people–no matter who they are –aside when the pain becomes too much and focus solely on that pain.  Its easy for someone to say “How dare they do something like that, don’t they care about their kids?” but until it happens, you don’t know how you’ll handle it.  I’m now completely aware of how I acted when he first left.  When my kids want to talk and it doesn’t matter about what I stop what I’m doing and I listen.  I don’t forget the little bedtime rituals and routines that we have.  I’ve learned to play pokemon cards with my son because it shows him how much I care about what is interesting to him.   The kids count on that and I need to be the stable parent.  They need to know that I am not leaving.  I see how my 4 year old clings to me but looks at her toys longingly to go play with them.   You can see the desire to go play but the uncertainty of if I’ll be there.  I was in the garage last night and I didn’t know my son woke up and was looking for me.  He found me but was in tears and breathing heavily because he couldn’t find me.  I had to lay with him for a while to prove that I wasn’t going anywhere.  He’s 8 and I see the sadness every day in his eyes.  I see the trouble he has making friends at school and the stress its putting on his body.  My sweetheart 6 year old prays and prays and prays.  She begged her daddy to come home last week and he told her no.  For once I made him see what I deal with while he held her in his arms as she cried and I walked out of the room.  This journey has led me in so many emotional directions but where I’m at right now is this…..

I’m lonely and I’m tired but I love my kids more than anything in this world.  There’s nothing I won’t do to keep them safe and happy.  I’ve forgiven my soon to be ex husband but I’m devastated for him.  Something has taken hold of him and I’m scared for him.  I’m not the only one who sees it either.  I was angry with God and fortunately never got to a place where I blamed Him.  I asked my friends to pray for me because I could feel the bitterness and anger and hate seeping its way into me and I wanted it gone.  I’m trying my hardest to not lose my integrity during this storm and when I say this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do I fully mean it.  I’m not angry with God any more.  He and I have talked and I’m hoping this is just a season that will pass and something good will happen.  It may take a while and frankly I may never find another man to love but that doesn’t matter.  What matters is that I get to show my kids how to handle any situation with a Godly perspective.  With a Jesus filled heart.   I want them to look back on this when they are older and know I did this the right way because I followed the Lord so if/when they have troubles in their life they know where to turn.  They know who to praise and they know who to thank.  It doesn’t matter if I’m going through a storm or living a happy life as long as I keep my eyes focused on God instead of the problem. If thats what I can teach my kids then its well worth it.

I am so thankful to God and have been blessed so much because He has put amazing friends in my life to help me keep a straight path to God.  He has provided for our needs every step of the way and I fear nothing because I know who is in control.  I hope and pray one day their daddy can know this kind of peace and happiness.

In Time

1 Sep

I’m learning there is more than one type of anger. More than one type of pain. This pain is soul shattering. Not being able to catch my breath kind of pain. The pain is too much. Closing the door to my room or closet makes me feel like I’m suffocating. This pain, when it becomes too much, everything inside of me becomes numb.  In time the numbness eases and tears leak from my eyes searching for escape…just an ounce of peace.  My breath becomes shallow again. It’s too much. Then the anger comes on. The anger that makes me want to punch him in the face; causing more anger at myself for feeling this way. The anger that makes me play the blame game in my head–mostly blaming myself. The pain that morphs into sorrow and despair for not being good enough. Not enough.  Two words that can hurt a person–who has given you everything within them– causes more damage than any other words. The crying. Too much crying drys my eyes like empty wells, yet the pain still lingers. It’s like dry heaves and it stings but there’s nothing to stop it from happening. The crying that is so heart wrenching to hear and even harder to feel. I need to pray but I think I’m too numb for it right now. I needed to write,  scribble my thoughts. Mourn without feeling guilty.  Guilt for needing to be angry because the sadness is too much. Guilt for wanting to be happy even if it’s not with him. I want him. I choose to love him even without his in return. I feel like a fool for doing so but isn’t that the kind of love Jesus has for us? He loves us no matter what. I want to be okay. In time I will. In time life won’t be so painful. In time I could choose to love differently. In time it could be him wanting to love me back. My thoughts are just that…thoughts. A jumbled mess and all, just cycling repeatedly in my head. In time I won’t feel so pathetic.  In time I will be okay. My God is bigger than all this mess. The storm is not permanent.  This season is just that–a season. Faith hope love. (1 Corinthians 13:13) I have to believe in this or I won’t make it.

A letter, a promise

15 Aug

Marriage isn’t some piece of paper, a contract that you can choose to end when things are tough.  Divorce isn’t an escape clause because you don’t know how to cope.  Marriage is supposed to be a promise made before God and to each other to stay with them, help them, support them, cheer them on and just love them when they can’t love themselves.  When I made my vows I meant literally until death.  I meant for better or worse and sickness and in health.  I gave you my body and my heart, something that has only ever belonged to you.  I was there for you when you came home different.  I was there when you made mistake after mistake–we made them together.  I was there to make sure you were okay.  I tried to get you counseling.  I tried to love you the best way I knew how.  I was wrong when I didn’t try harder but just let you be.  I was wrong when I got lonely and depressed and stopped being the wife I should’ve been by ignoring the little needs, like the shower curtain rings. I should have kept the house cleaner and dishes out of the sink.  But I didn’t do any of those things.  The more you pulled back, the harder it was for me to focus my eyes on your needs, instead of mine.  I was selfish.  You were selfish.  I was wrong.  You were wrong.  My heart is broken.  I’ve never felt pain this bad but I am still here now, after you chose to leave.  After you chose to tell me it was my fault that you are miserable, only after I begged you to talk to me.  I’m here now, as you confess that you’re so messed up inside you can’t be happy with me anymore.  I’m here making sure the kids are healthy and safe while you work all day and night to distract yourself from the pain deep inside you.  While you sleep somewhere other than here, where you belong, I’m praying.  Our son cries at night when he thinks no one can hear him, but I do.  I lay with him unit he stops but I hear him tossing and turning all night.  Our daughters cry, one from anger the other from sadness.  They don’t understand why you’re gone, what they did wrong–all they know is that they miss their daddy.  They are our kids who see their daddy as their protector and defender.  The man who chases them around the house and plays tricks on them to make them laugh.  I’ve told them repeatedly its not them, Daddy just needs to get better.  We pray for you throughout the day and even though you don’t care about this marriage any more, the four of us do.  I will never stop telling you ‘I love you’ and I will not speak ill of you because when you chose to come back I want our kids to know you love them.  This gold band I wear on my left finger is a reminder–to you and me–of my love for you.  I choose to love you through all of this.  I choose to not give up just because you did.  I believe God has a plan whether I understand it or not.  I will show our kids what strength from the LORD looks like.  I don’t care how long this takes, divorce or not, you are my husband in my heart and I am fighting for this marriage because I believe in us.  I believe in what God has planned–beauty from these ashes.  I will be BRAVE.  I will WAIT.  I will PRAISE His name.  #thelovedare



God’s word vs the world

3 Jun

I put this on my fb status.  I don’t usually do this kind of thing on there but I got sick and tired of people being so mean to each other online.  Its not ok.  I got fed up and decided to speak my mind and I got a lot of feedback from it.  Thought I’d share with y’all.

“I am a Christian. As a Christian I refuse to back down on my beliefs because the world says I’m wrong. I stand by the word of God and His truth, love and grace. I mess up, I sin, but I’m washed by the blood of Jesus. Some call themselves Christians and aren’t or have completely let hate fill their heart and forgotten what it means to walk with Jesus. Don’t let those fools make you think all of us are hypocrites. I don’t agree with most things happening right now and if asked will gladly give my opinion but by responding in a loving manner can make a difference. What kind of Christian would I be if I backed down on the word of God because it’s controversial and not mainstream thinking? This isn’t to anyone in particular but I’m just sick of seeing comments (both sides) being hateful to each other in articles I read. If someone claims to be a Christian and chooses to respond negatively to ppl how in the world do they expect anyone to see Jesus in them? Stop being hateful. Words hurt and words can also heal. I don’t have to accept the world’s thinking but I’m not going to respond by being mean and rude….even when sometimes it’s the first response in my head. That’s when I stop and think about what my actions will do. How am I representing God? And when I fail…because sometimes I do get a case of word vomit, I try and fix it. It’s not easy but no one ever said it would be but the reward of heaven is worth it all.”

I can call myself a Christian

5 Apr

Happy Easter Y’all!

So this was my morning at church….

DSC_0523DSC_0530DSC_0532DSC_0537  My middle child, Kate, was baptized this morning as a public profession of faith in Jesus Christ.  What a remarkable way to start off our Easter Sunday.  I’m so proud of her for opening her heart and giving her life to Christ.

Kate looked at me and said, “mommy there is a lot of people today.”

Why does it have to be a special occasion for someone to come to church?  Before anyone gets irritated at me let me just say this, get it off my chest and then you can make comments….

I know people work and sometimes they can’t help but miss church.  I also know that people make up a church not a building so it doesn’t always have to be a Sunday worship.  I know there are those who sit in front of their t.v. and watch it or listen to it on the radio.  I’d also like to point out that the majority of people who don’t attend church choose not to because and I quote, “I have better things to do.”  or, “I’m just so tired, I need my sleep.”  There are a lot of different reasons for someone to not go to church.  My point that I’m trying to make is that a lot of people that only come to church on holidays also act like they are the best Christians in the world.  I know that I am a Christian.  I would also like to make it very clear that I don’t believe I am better than anyone else and that I do, in fact, sin.  Every day.  I would also like to say that I try on a daily basis to live like Christ, to have holiness dwell within me.  I fail at that….a lot.  The point is, I try.  I’m genuinely wanting and trying to be the person God has called me to be.  That is why it ruffles my feathers that there are those people who will curse all over Facebook Saturday night and post pictures of themselves doing unGodly things, or just acting like an idiot and less than 24 hours later praising the Lord.  Don’t get me wrong, I would love for them to praise God, to know Him and to have a relationship with Him but can’t they do it all the other days of the year too?  To be perfectly honest I got a text today and it freaked me out.  My husband said it as well when he received the same message.  Why?  Because that person who sent it might have meant well but do they even really mean it?  How can someone pretend to be a Christian when their heart and actions don’t match their every day life?  I’m not condemning this person–at least that is not my intention so I hope it doesn’t seem like it.  I love this person.  I pray for this person and hope that she truly starts to feel in her heart the words she says (on special occasions).  See…back to the special occasion part.  Can you sense bitterness in my words?  I think there might be some there, something that shouldn’t dwell within me but it does.  Its something that I’ve been working on, praying about.  –I think I’m straying from the topic but it becoming clear as I write this that this post is going in a different direction than planned.–  If you are going to call yourself a Christian then please PLEASE act like it.  Your thoughts become your actions and your actions become your character.  What’s character?  Its how you act when no one is watching.  Sometimes you’ll fail but always get back up again and try.  His grace is what covers us.  I’m a sinner but by His grace I’m saved.  I know its easy to be lead by the flesh but if you live in the spirit it becomes easier to ignore the worldly ways.  We as society have become desensitized to the things around us so we are able to make excuses and think we’re right.  Set your mind on the Lord, study His word, make time to worship Him.  Its been said that it takes 30 days to create or break a habit.  Set your mind on God and make it a habit to think like Christ and it will become second nature.  Your heart will change for those around you.  I can feel God working on me.  I’ve had some difficulty with certain people and its starting to harden my heart.  That is not what I want.  I’ve prayed that God would change my heart, let me love those who have wronged me.  I want the bitterness to disappear and I want to love those who don’t love me back.  Recently I’ve been dealing with these emotions and I can say that if I didn’t strive to be holy then this feeling of bitterness, anger, almost hate would take over my life.  I wouldn’t be the person God needs me to be and I certainly wouldn’t be a good example for my kids.  People watch me whether I know it or not.  They see how I react to situations and they see what’s in my heart through my words.  I don’t ever want to be a hateful person and I certainly don’t want for unbelievers to think that a Christian acts like a complete dirt bag.  Why on earth would that kind of attitude bring them to Christ?  I want to be the kind of person that someone can be around me for 10 minutes and know that my heart belongs to Jesus.  I don’t mean that I’m shoving my faith down someone’s throat but I do think that if you are kind, loving, caring and aren’t fake then people won’t be surprised who lives within me.  My actions speak volumes.  The words that come out of my mouth show my character.  I want to please God.  I want to know that I’ve done everything in this life to make God look good.

I’m sorry this post was all over the place.  Once I start typing all my thoughts come quicker than I can type.  I want so much for those unbelievers to know Christ.  I want them to feel the joy and peace that He brings.  I want with all my heart for those haven’t felt the purist of love to find it.  Jesus is the ultimate love story.  He didn’t have to die on that cross but He did it.

Just a few verses that I think pertain to what I said.

“Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.” Romans 8:8  (For more start at v1 and read to v8)


“God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.  If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth.  But if we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his son, purifies us from all sin.”  1 John 5-7

Jesus answered, “I am the way the truth and the life.  No one comes to the Father except throughout me.”  John 14:6




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